Why we run after emotionally unavailable people?

You have probably heard many times to follow your heart, but what if your heart is constantly running after emotionally unavailable people?

That guy is probably in an unhappy relationship, or always working, or is an addict, or he doesn’t have any explanation for being like that, he is “just” emotionally unavailable. I said “the guy” in the previous sentence, but it works vice versa. This issue touches both sexes.

It seems to be that sometimes we are more attractive to “hunting” than receiving “award”. Sorry if this sounds like talking about the animals. Still talking about the humans. 😀

So, you see that guy/girl, s/he looks so tempting, and all of the sudden, s/he is single and ready to roll, but… panic! Retreat, hormones, retreat!


Or in another case, just look at that bastard/bitch, still in a marriage, and keeping you aside? One day your suffering and hard work will (not) pay off, and you’re going to be together… forever… *heart-breaking soap opera music playing in the background* aaaand… take a guess.

Are we going to stick to the same old phrase “all wo/men are the same”? I prefer not. We are actually sticking to the same pattern and personalities that we had in our childhood.

Many of us, sadly, had grown with not enough received love. Our parents probably had enough reasons not to fulfill many of our needs. They were often emotionally unavailable and probably didn’t know how to show us love in a different way. That pattern keeps following us later in life. Actually, we follow a familiar pattern, over and over, hoping to finish the unfinished story.

If you find yourself in this case, you know that not receiving enough attention and love is painful, but it’s so familiar to you, and somewhere back in your head, you want to see the happy ending. But you don’t. You stick to the people who don’t care, and in the most cases, they will not change because of returning you a favor.

The obsession to an emotionally unavailable person makes us desperate, and the worst thing is that our brains, in the middle of obsessiveness, say that the only way to feel better is to make that person available. But the truth is that our addiction is the cause of the desperate feeling we feel, not the cure.

Dreams of having a perfect life with an emotionally unavailable person end soon as when that person becomes available. In that moment you will probably say something like “I don’t feel the love anymore”, and…

You gotta run, run, run, run, run, run
Take a drag or two

(off-topic: if you’re interested in old dirty I don’t care rock sound, this is verse is from The Velvet Underground 😀 )

Run away

We can believe, comparing us to those emotionally unavailable partners, that we are prepared for an intimate and close relationship, but we again choose someone who is unable to do, so – maybe we still have problems with intimacy. Bam! We are unhappy because we are not lucky to get married, we never met the right one, and we are already 30-35-40 years old… but, in fact, we are afraid of attachment and intimacy.

One of the theories is that we can be addicted to rejections and all the heart-broken drama in the world.


On the other hand, we wish for an intimate and close relationship and we want to love and be loved, but we don’t know how to deal with the intimacy and vulnerability that relationship requires. We are frightened to be exposed to another person.

There is a slight despair in those people who always “step into” unavailable people, but that is not by the accident. I’m not here to write who’s fault it is. I’m here to help you to discover what could be the roots of your problems, and by knowing your roots you can deal with them in order to make your life more satisfying.

So, instead of trying to be the next… how is called that girl from 50 Shades of Grey? *google search* Anastasia. Instead of trying to be the next Anastasia or Anastasio OMG – my creativity xD (digging for that man’s or girl’s heart), and taking unavailable people as an excuse for your own emotional distance, try to deal with your fears and build your authentic self. Your authenticity will attract the right people in your life.

Did you experience these kinds of situations, and what happened?

An introverted endless thinker who is all into the human’s psyche and self-development. Turning the drama into humor. Always hungry to discover more.
  1. OMG Now it all makes sense why that former girlfriend was constantly in my head and why i was so obsessed with her. i equated her emotional unavalaility as magnetic
    my my this was a hard pill to swallow but after swallowing the pill i can now say i feel relieved after reading this post
    thanks nikol

    1. We can learn so much from our partners and friends. They are mirroring us loads of valuable information. Keep having your mind open. Thank you for reading, Ahmed! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *