You have probably stepped into the expressions similar to “love yourself, or no one will love you”, and you probably roll your eyes because it’s annoying cliché, but it’s so damn true. It’s annoying because rarely will somebody say what is hidden behind the message, or why would a messenger even bother going deeper into the analysis. It’s also annoying because you don’t have hints what the drive might be, and what would work to improve your self-love. Like any other neurosis, traumas, fears… the causes are hidden deep in the subconscious mind. We can freely call them our blind spots. Lack of self-love can be hidden behind the behavior of various types of personalities. In this post, I will mention 3 types of personalities that seem to have nothing to do with low self-love. Actually, at first, it looks like these personas really love themselves, but in fact, it’s hard to deal with these masks if they are taking the control.
#1 Narcissistic personality
The attack is the best defense – it’s easy to spot types like these. Always attacking and blaming others (it doesn’t matter if they are wrong or right), having an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feeling superior next to others, requiring constant admiration, arrogant behavior, constantly pointing out talents and achievements, always having the right opinion… They might seem to look confident, but it’s only a mask that covers countless insecurities. That can be noticed in having hard times handling anything that might be perceived as criticism. To avoid shame and unpleasant emotions, they react with rage and try to belittle the other person to feel superior. The self-hostility is so strong in narcissistic mind that they do anything in order to avoid the unpleasant emotions, so they blind themselves with the “best of them all” image. This causes a large self-disconnection, and disconnection from the others, which might develop symptoms of depression.
#2 Perfectionist personality
The perfectionists can frequently be high achievers, but the price they pay for success can be chronic unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Always trying to reach the top and be the best without any flaws is a merciless formula for the low self-confidence, and a hidden sign of self-rejection. Always eager to impress others with their performance, big procrastinators – because of the fear of failure, having a hard time opening to other people and exposing their flaws, very judgmental towards others, very defensive when criticized, playing all or nothing game… The pressure of being perfect is trying to cover up aged beliefs and feelings such as shame, blame, and judgment. Perfectionists believe that they are not worthy to be accepted if they show any flaws or failures. Also, because perfection is an impossible pursuit, perfectionists tend to have the feeling that they’re not quite there yet. It turns into an endless battle of low self-confidence, and lack of self-acceptance, followed by sadness and emptiness.
#3 Workaholic personality
Amount of their work is not even necessary to mention. It’s great to have expressed ambitions and high performance, but it might be amiss if it goes out of the control. Workaholics tend to have a need to seek the approval from the others, work justifies their existence, they believe that overworking earns them admiration which is a sign of low self-esteem, trying to control life’s uncertainties, tend to make unreasonable demands upon themselves, trying to escape emotions and feelings by constant work… They identify themselves too much with work, almost to the point that they become their work. If the work is not good enough or not on right track, workaholics see themselves as a failure. This belief depends too much on other’s opinions. If others don’t admire workaholic’s work, there is a harsh threat to their self-confidence, which can also be a drive to more work in order to avoid unpleasant emotions. In all that jazz, there is not enough time for self-care and sadness might grow.
Not everything is worrisome
Everything mentioned I want to stress out as signs that you’re treating yourself too harshly. Instead of a need to control surroundings, and battling with others for a bit of attention and love, look deep inside of yourself in order to discover what you truly need. By having your questions answered, it’s much easier to reach the fulfillment and to connect with others. If these 3 types of personalities don’t turn into serious disorders, you can also benefit from them – like high energy levels, great arguments, urge for improvement, productivity… This triggers self-acceptance which leads to self-love.